Goodbye sertaline

It’s World Mental Health Day and that couldn’t be a more appropriate excuse to actually get round to writing a blog post after six months… yes six months of not posting. What can I say? I got rather busy. There were some rather important exams, there was some travelling, there was some coming off of anti-depressants (!!!!!!!), starting of university, that sort of stuff.

Coming off anti-depressants was one of the hardest things though. Potentially even worse than my Unit 5 biology A2 and that’s saying something. I came back from the Cayman Islands on the 9th July, and left for Peru on the 23rd. I decided I wanted to come off them before Peru so on the 15th July 2015, after two years of taking daily Sertraline Hydrochloride tablets, I took my last ever one, and it was scary. After two years of having artificial chemicals helping me to feel happy and having the psychological comfort that they were actually doing something, I was suddenly left with nothing. I had no idea what was going to happen, what long term side effects or withdrawal symptoms I might have, and that was also terrifying.

I had spent about four months slowly lowering my dosage from 100mg to 75mg and then to 50mg, and eventually I started taking them every other day. There was no lower stage that I could really go so it really was time to stop. It’s scary because I knew that if I didn’t take my pills for a few days then I would get headaches and dizzy, but I didn’t know what would happen in the long run and being dizzy everyday in the middle of the Amazon rainforest wouldn’t have been ideal at all.

Luckily coming off them completely gave me no physical side effects,  but the mental ones were back. Peru was absolutely amazing and I had the time of my life, but it was weird when you’re walking round Cusco, a beautiful city in the heart of The Sacred Valley, with lovely people and amazing scenery and mountains and you can’t. stop. crying. It was the same when we got to the jungle. One of my worst days was when we climbed the Pini B mountain trail. We had spent days building up to it, we cut the trail ourselves, and no human had ever been on the summit. It was exciting, and the absolute aim of our trip – to conquer Pini B. Lo and behold when the day arrived I was feeling my absolute lowest. It felt like I had rewinded two years and was in the very depths of my depression, and therefore I did not enjoy the day at all. There I was, in the AMAZON, climbing a MOUNTAIN, and all I could do was cry.

So that happened. I still managed to have the best time ever and when I came home I could really start to focus on getting back into the right frame of mind and now here I am, two months later, well into my first term at university, studying the subject that I adore, knowing that it’s all going to be okay.

HAPPY WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY, AND CONGRATULATIONS FOR MAKING IT ANOTHER YEAR.

An Epiphany

You know when you have an important epiphany and you expect to be in the middle of some intellectual debate or conversation, or at a really important stage in your life, or giving an inspirational speech or surrounded by super crazy trees and Inuits like in The Simpsons Movie, and then in ends up just being on the loo or in the shower? Yeah? Well that happened to me just now.

But luckily, I can still write a blog post about it. Yay! So basically, I had this thought, idea, epiphany, call it what you will, about the fact that I am no longer at all ashamed of having had a mental health problem.

Last week I had a big fundraiser for my trip to Peru (which you can read about on my other blog), and afterwards I was talking to some of the people who were staying with us about various problems that I used to suffer. I was surprised that they didn’t already know about them, as I am pretty open on social media and in reality about my problems. So I was talking about the fact that I stopped eating for a while and used to self-harm etc, and I was just thinking to myself that I didn’t care at all what they thought, or what my brother (who was also there) thought, or what anyone in the world who could have been listening might have thought. It is a fact that I used to have mental health problems, and it is not something I can change, so why should I care about what other people perceive it as and think of it?

It was a large revelation for me as I can still remember how scared I used to be about telling anyone that I had a mental health problem, even after I stopped suffering. At first it was my parents who I couldn’t tell, and then friends, boyfriend and even the people who could potentially help me. When I did tell them I remember feeling terrible, often crying my eyes out and expecting them to disregard me as a person. But now, three years later, here I was talking about it as easily as I would talk about the weather.

And I also know that the great thing is that I will never ever ever ever ever in the future be ashamed of it either. If I get turned down from jobs, or have friendships dissolved or rejected, or if I’m prevented from going on trips or expeditions because of my previous mental health problems, I will not be mad and I will not be resentful. People always say to me ‘I’m so sorry you went through that’ or ‘I wish you didn’t have to experience those things’, but I am not sorry and now, I do not wish that my depression never happened.

Having depression, wanting to self-harm, suffering from some form of anorexia, even wanting to kill myself at times, is, in some very strange and twisted way, one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I would be a completely different person had I not suffered from these things. Less brave, less ambitious, less empathetic and understanding, probably more annoying and over-confident. Who knows exactly, but I do know that I am a better and happier person now because of it.

I have had physical health problems. I had cancer. I had asthma. I had pneumonia. I am not ashamed of them, as they were beyond my control.

I have had mental health problems. I had depression. I had an eating disorder. I self-harmed. I am not ashamed of them, as they were beyond my control.

This is an important blog post for me as I can finally accept what happened to me and be grateful for it, not look back and resent my experiences, but I hope that anyone with a mental health problem who might be reading this can also accept that their mental health problem is a fact that is happening in their life that’s helping to define who they are as a person, and never someone else’s opinion or judgement.

Hopefully I will blog soon again if I can find a relevent topic. Hopefully I will stop relying on commas so much and write shorter sentences. Thank you for reading.

DFTBA x

peru stuff:
https://anunexpectedjourneytoperu.wordpress.com/2015/04/12/the-funnest-of-all-fundraisers/

A Rather Surreal Experience

Yesterday I was on the TV and the radio. Doesn’t that sound cool? It was albeit the regional TV and radio, and I was on the TV for approximately 20 seconds, but still, I was on regional news, talking about mental health, and that was cool.

Last week I saw a post on Facebook from the Mental Health Foundation, saying something like ‘we are looking for someone who has experienced mental health treatment whilst under the age of 18, preferably in the Oxfordshire area’. Tick, tick, tick. I fit this description perfectly, so got in contact with the person listed offering my help.

It turned out that she was from BBC Radio Oxford, and the next day I was on the phone to one of their journalists who asked the basic questions about me and my experiences, really just to see if I was the sort of person they were looking for. I was, and they asked me to be on the radio the next week, which I was more than happy to do.

So Monday rolled around, with the broadcast being on Tuesday. The BBC people called me on Monday to check that I was all set for the next day, but then completely threw me by asking me if I would be happy to be filmed for South Today (our regional news). Of course you don’t just turn down an opportunity like that, so five hours later a lovely chap called Brennen arrived at school with lots of fancy camera equipment to interview me.

I have to say it was one of the most surreal and nerve-wracking experiences of my life. Sitting in the school meeting room with a ginormous camera and the furry microphones pointing at me was just the weirdest thing. I was ridiculously nervous and shaking uncontrollably, and this is coming from someone who jumped out of a plane without batting an eyelid.

The interview lasted for about 15 minutes (a bit long considering they only used 20 seconds of it..!) and then off Brennen went in his awesome BBC Oxford car telling me to watch South Today the next day.

Tuesday. I dreamt that I missed the radio call, so my subconscious woke me up at the ridiculous hour of 6.20am. I got a call at 7.00 and then was live on air! I was actually able to say some potentially vaguely inspiring stuff that people actually heard (link below), which was pretty awesome.

Later that evening, South Today was on, and I was able to watch the 20 seconds of my clip online. The link isn’t below because it expires at 7pm this evening, but if you do watch it this evening, don’t watch it for me. Watch the whole bit about mental health, because that’s whats important. It doesn’t matter that I’m an 18-year-old girl who used to self-harm because I put too much pressure on myself. What does matter is the fact that the numbers of children being admitted to mental health services is rising, and that’s what we need to change.

It’s Time to Talk Day tomorrow, which is run by the Time to Change Campaign. Last year it was a massive success with loads of awareness being raised. This year, the campaign is asking you to take 5 minutes of your day to have a conversation with someone about mental health. Think about how easy that is. Just 5 little minutes to talk to someone about one of the most prominent and growing health issues on our planet. Have a go. I dare you.

You can also sign their pledge wall to pledge to end mental health stigma. over 75, 000 people have already done this, and you can join them here: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/pledgewall

It was pretty awesome being on the TV and radio this week. Something to tick of the bucket list, but it’s really about so much more than that. I, Eliza Lindsay, a young person who has been affected by a mental health problem, was able to go on the media and tell other people about my experiences, and to expose them to the brute fact that mental health problems exist, and are deadly, and that we need to do something about them. And I encourage other people to do the same. Young or old, suffering, caring for, recovering or aware of, if you know anything about mental health then go out and talk about it! Use twitter, Facebook, TV, letters, posters and most importantly face to face conversations! Never forget the power of speech, and what you can do with your words, because together, we can raise the awareness that is so important in order to help people with mental health problems.

My interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zN3N-EAeUts&feature=youtu.be (ignore the elephant) 

https://www.facebook.com/mentalhealthfoundation

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/timetotalkday

DFTBA x

2015

2015 is going to be a pretty busy year for me. Starting with a week of work experience at the London Aquarium next week, I also have mocks, four productions of the school musical, my grade 8 flute exam, real exams, a possible internship in the Cayman Islands, the end of school forever, a three week expedition to Peru, results and the start of university. I’m going to try in sleep and a social life, but we’ll see how that goes…

So I’m just another a busy person in a busy world trying to get through another year without getting ill (mentally and physically). Some of the things I’m doing to stay healthy are below, because you never know when something will help you.

1) I AM NOT FORGETTING TO TAKE MY MEDICATION. (you can hold me to this). If you are taking medication, especially for mental health problems, do not forget to take them. It’s pretty self explanatory, but do not forget. Ever. You will feel worse and be more unstable, and if, like me, you are reducing medication and trying to come off it, then it can really disrupt your progress. SO DON’T FORGET. VERY IMPORTANT.

2) I AM EATING BREAKFAST EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL. You know all the crap about most meal of the day and you need to start your day right and all that jazz, but I had a long long time where I didn’t eat breakfast at all (which doesn’t help when you have had worried parents + eating problems), but it also just makes you feel sucky. So eat (or drink! (preferably not alcohol…)) and feel better.

3) I AM DOING SOMETHING I ENJOY AS MUCH AS I CAN, PREFERABLY EVERY DAY. I play the flute and I love it. I said earlier I’m working for my grade 8 so it means I can do something I love as much as I can without wasting time. I can be by myself and work towards an achievable (I hope) goal. So find something you enjoy that you can actually get something out of and stick to it. A lot of people have stuff they like doing but it doesn’t actually get them anywhere.

4) I AM ALWAYS LOOKING TO THE FUTURE AND BEING OPTIMISTIC ABOUT IT. I try and take every opportunity I can, like spontaneously deciding to apply for an expedition to Peru…. But I make sure it’s going to benefit me in the future and have an impact on my life and future goals. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as travelling halfway across the world. Just look at the little things and see how they can help you.

So four things. Not New Years resolutions or promises to myself or tuning over a new leaf, just four things I’m trying to do as much as possible this year and we’ll see how it goes. If they can apply to you and might help then give it a go, but it’s not really valid life advice or anything. Whatever. Take from it what you will, but I think that it makes a nice change (for me at least) to write a blog post that might actually help someone compared to my usual ranting.

Happy 2015, and DFTBA x

A new year

There are nine minutes left of 2014 and then a whole entire year is over. 365 days of good, bad, happy, sad *add other emotions in as you see fit*. For me it’s actually been a pretty awesome year as it’s been my first full year without being depressed or self harming since I first started suffering. It hasn’t all been good though, but I prefer to look at the good that has happened to me and what I’ve achieved, and I suggest you do the same.

Next year I’m going to continue to raise awareness and reduce the stigma of mental health, but it’s not a resolution, it’s something I’m just going to do. I’m not making resolutions cause I’ve decided to take everyday as it comes and just try and make it day by day, and enjoy it.

Have a wonderful year everyone. Talk to each other. Be kind to each other. Be kind to yourselves. Have a great 2015 x

I need to blog more….

(I haven’t blogged in yonks. I’m sorry….) Anyway.

So since my last post, not much has happened. School, birthday, more school. One of the best things that has happened (in my opinion) is the small, subtle shift that my school has had regarding its attitude to mental health.

When Time to Change announced that they were running a programme for schools in November to teach students about mental health, I immediately forwarded the links to the relevant teachers and they actually took notice! Following the arrival of the resources, the biggest thing that has happened is an assembly in front of the entire school, consisting of me and two teachers talking about mental health and getting the conversation started. Here’s what I had to say….

***

As some of you may know, I am a strong supporter of raising awareness about mental health and reducing the stigma associated with it. This grew out of my own experiences with mental health problems. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with depression following a period of my life where I was self-harming and feeling constantly down. At that time I had no idea what to do and was adamant that I wasn’t going to tell anyone, especially my parents. It took me a long time to actually accept my problems and confide in someone. This eventually enabled me to start getting the help that I needed. I started seeing the school counsellor, who eventually refered me to a psychiatrist. Its hard enough finding help in the first place, but when you do accept it there are so many options and it can be even more difficult to find a coping mechanism that actually works for you. Overall I tried multiple coping methods such as mindfulness and meditation, I saw four different professionals ranging from psychiatrists and counsellors to Eating Disorder specialists, and ended up using medication to sort out the chemical imbalances in my brain. The whole process was long and hard on me and those around me, but it was so unbelievably worth it, because four years later I am fully recovered and have been for over a year now.

I know that this sounds ridiculously cheesy but I genuinely would not be the person that I am today had I not gone through what I did, and I am certainly a very different person to who I was during my depression. In some messed up and twisted way I am even a little grateful for what happened to me. My experiences have now enabled me to be working with some of the largest mental health charities out there. I am a member of Mind Charity, a Time to Change Champion and have been a guest blogger for The Black Dog Tribe, an organisation set up by writer and comedian Ruby Wax. I have my own mental health blog and have been working with the BBC amongst others to improve mental health awareness in schools and between young people by making it part of the national curriculum.

But that’s all fancy stuff. On a much more important scale I have been able to help, to a small extent, some individuals start their journeys to recovery. I truly believe that recovery and recovered are stages that everyone with a mental health problem, no matter how bad, can reach, and I really hope that by sharing my experiences I can prove to you that recovery is possible and it does get better. It just takes one unbelievably brave step to speak to someone about it. I know how hard it is but I also know that help is always there and it can be found here at school or outside of school.

At the moment mental health is one of the largest health problems that our country is facing, and whether you are a sufferer, supporter or neither it is something that affects everyone. I am confident that the issue of mental health can be combated both on a national scale and within school it just starts with people being aware and talking to each other. I hope that if you take anything away from this assembly it’s that firstly there is NOTHING to be ashamed about if you do have a mental health problem, and also that help is always there and always will be.

***

I got some of the most amazing feedback for the entire assembly. My headmisteress (who isn’t my biggest fan…) even came up to me and congratulated me and she wasn’t even there! But it’s not about recognition at all. Instead, what I am so sp happy about is that I think (well hope) that people are now talking about it within my school, and as soon as people are talking there is awareness, and as soon as there is awareness there is a reduction of stigma, and its an amazing chain reaction of goodness that is on a small small scale decreasing world suck and making this planet a better place. I hope.

So talk!!! Life is too short for people to not be enjoying it, so we all need to try our best to support those who are suffering and make sure that they have a totally awesome and enjoyable life 🙂

Back to school

The day before I returned back to school this week, I read an article published by the amazing organisation, Time To Change, which is run by Mind and Rethink Mental Illness. It showed the results to a survey carried out about mental health in education, and I have to say I was pretty shocked by the results.

Having experienced all of my mental health problems whilst in education, it’s an issue that is quite close to my heart, as I know how far educational institutions have to go in the mental health department first hand.

But back to the survey. It discovered that out of all mental health sufferers in education, over three quarters of them have missed days, weeks or even months of school because of their mental health, primarily because they were scared about other peoples opinions and of bullying.

Then you look at the fact that an average of three students in every classroom have a mental health problem, and about half of all those students don’t feel comfortable telling people at school, be in friends or teachers. Now that’s worrying, because that’s a lot of people who need and deserve support, and because they feel scared or even threatened telling someone in the school, they are not getting that vital help.

Really it all comes down to stigma and a lack of awareness. If the school doesn’t talk about mental health, then how on earth can we expect students to be aware of it? Its no wonder that people with mental health problems are called ‘crazy’ or ‘attention seeking’ when people genuinely think they are, as they are taught nothing about mental health.

And the thing that really bugs me is how easy it is for schools and other areas of education to become mental health accepting. They just need to TALK. Put up posters, give assemblies, hand out leaflets or hold charity events. Teach ALL students about mental health, and the school immediately becomes a more inviting and comfortable place where those with mental health problems are supported and don’t need to stay at home because of their fear. There shouldn’t be that fear in the first place.

Its so simple so why isn’t it happening!!!?????

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/news/students-missing-out-education-because-mental-illness

Have a great week everyone.

And if you read this and want to see some change in your school, check out this programme that Time To Change are running this November: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/november

Hoax

I was lucky enough to be able to review the new graphic novel by Ravi Thornton, Hoax. It is a really beautiful and emotional way of telling such an incredible story, and I would urge you to get it when its out. Links will be after the review, which is below. 

 

“When I was first approached by Ravi Thornton to review her graphic novel Hoax, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. I’d never read a graphic novel before and was (and still am!) a novice in reviewing! However, after reading the first few chapters of Hoax, I knew that it was something special.

Hoax tells the tragic story of Rob, a young man living with schizophrenia, through the novel and the beautiful artwork that accompanies it. I think that in many ways the artwork and illustrations spoke more to me than the words, as they gave incredible visualisations of something that affected Rob, and those around him, so deeply. The different sections of artwork that are shown after each chapter are all stunningly beautiful in their own way and completely different from each other, with many incorporating the words, lyrics, poetry into the images.

I think that having different illustrators for each section works amazingly well, as they can interpret the words themselves and create something that people may or may not be able to relate to. As a mental health sufferer, I know the extreme range of emotions that you can feel, and I also know that no mental health experience is the same to another persons. Hoax shows this through the diverse and often surreal artwork, and of the nine sections I can imagine that any mental health sufferer can relate to at least one of them in some small way. For me it was Detainment.

Preceding each of the art sections, in a comprehendible comic strip style, is a chapter representing a year of Rob’s story. It provides a base in the novel, a way of keeping in touch with the stark reality of Rob’s situation and how it affects himself and those around him by seeing his journey, witnessing his ups and downs and his eventual fate. The illustrations offer an otherworldly, symbolic representation of Rob’s feelings and emotions, but the chapters keep us involved with Rob and his journey in mental illness.

Despite the beauty and uniqueness of the novel, tragically, Rob did commit suicide. This is shown tactfully in the novel, with a final meeting with his sister, and the idea of being free and finally experiencing joy. My only worry is that some would consider it as ‘glamorising suicide’, but to this I would say that no, it does not. That would be a gross misinterpretation, as people can still find the joy and liberty that Rob found in death, in life, even from the deepest depression. Hey, I’m living proof. It’s just found differently for different people. And anyway, Hoax shows a man’s journey that didn’t end in suicide. Ravi has honoured her brother’s memory and kept his journey going with Hoax, and that journey doesn’t look as though it’s going to be ending anytime soon.

 So if you do read Hoax, (which you should!), just remember that you are not alone in any struggles that you might have. Rob’s story shows you this, as there is always someone there for you and someone who has experienced mental health problems too, no matter what problem it might be. Rob had his sister, Ravi, who supported him during his life and has carried out his dreams after his death, and there will be someone for you. Let Rob’s story inspire you to find that person and let them help you, and maybe you’ll be able to help them in the process.”

 

Ravi’s website: http://ravithornton.com

Preoder the book here: http://www.ziggyswish.com

Ravi’s Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/writer.ravithornton

Ravi’s twitter: https://twitter.com/ravithornton

Optimism

These are some the most recent headlines regarding mental health in the British news:

‘England’s Mental Health Services In Crisis’

‘Mental Health Patients forced to travel miles for care’.

‘Psychiatrists warning over soaring use of pills in ‘depressed Britain’

Yesterday, an article was published on BBC news which revealed that 3,024 people have been sent out of their area in order to receive help for their mental health problems in the past year. This is over double the amount of people who were sent travelling for their care in 2011, yet over 1500 mental health beds have been closed since 2011. Some people have to travel over 300 miles to get help, and hundreds are being sent into wards for deaf people and even B&Bs due to the lack of beds.

BUT WHY? What on earth possesses the government to think ‘Oh, look. We have this major problem on the rise which we could easily help reduce, but nah, instead we’re going to DRAMATICALLY REDUCE FUNDING AND BEDS FOR THESE PEOPLE.’

I just don’t get it.

And it’s the mental health trusts, charities and organisations that are left to pick up the pieces and restore faith in humanity. One mental health trust spent £345,000 on placing patients in B&Bs last year in order to free up some more beds.

I could sit here and rant for hours about the way our government is dealing with this issue that has affected me and so many other people in the world, but I’m going to stop here and try optimism instead. I heard it’s a good thing.

Today I got an email from Time to Change asking me to complete a survey giving input on how they can extend and improve their work, and this gave me a lot of hope, as, despite all of the cuts and lack of funding and stupidity that we see so often in the media, there is this entire network of behind the scenes charities, organisations and trusts who do INCREDIBLE work. They save lives, and they’re the ones who are going to solve this issue, because they talk to us, and they listen to the people who have actually experienced mental health problems and take it on board and actually do something about it.

So even though it may seem as though it’s getting worse, it’s not. The strength and determination that we have to reduce stigma and HELP PEOPLE is what allows me to say with ease and confidence that IT WILL GET BETTER.

Optimism. It’s simple really. 

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/

Check out this blog post by my friend @mirandasmurmurs: http://www.mirandabunting.com/2014/05/mental-health-cuts_6.html                                                                                                                              

 

You are not alone

Today I am going back to school and exams after four weeks off for Easter. Back to lots of exams. Nine very important exams. The fact that the first one is in two weeks is stressful enough, let alone the prospect of two physics exams after that!

But at least I’m not the only one. There are thousands of other people in the country going back to exams, whether they are GCSEs, A levels or others, so despite feeling like the only person in the world going through this, I know that I’m not. If only it were that easy in other situations.

I think that one of the most important messages that everyone with a mental health problem needs to realise, is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you are experiencing a mental health problem whatever it may be, you are never going through it by yourself, despite how alone you might feel.

People who think this need to understand, and be helped to understand, that they are not alone in their troubles. By feeling like you’re the only one experiencing something you’re less likely to seek help, more likely to deteriorate in your condition as you feel different, and more likely to distance yourself from those around you.

These are things that need to stop. Everyone who needs help in whatever shape or form automatically deserves it. No one should feel alone, and no one should EVER feel as if there is no one to turn to.

This is why we need education. Education to show people that there are so many people who suffer and that it doesn’t make them any less of a person. Education to teach the world that we need to support each and every person with a mental health problem no matter who they are, and education to empower those who are suffering, and to make them know that they are not alone, and they never will be.